We've grown. We don't make the mistakes we used to make, we don't keep hurting each other blindingly, because we learnt to see, and we learnt that hurting someone won't undo any of the harm that has been done to us. We manage our feelings well: We let the darkness come as close as it wants. and we know that we only have to make a little step into any direction to find our way into the light. We've grown, yes.
And yet: I cringe at the thought that I'll never hear or say words like this again. I am horrified thinking that I'll never be so out of my mind again that I could close my eyes and forget all I knew, forgetting the deepest thruths it took so much work to gain, just to be there with you, with you, and only you - whoever you may be. But what I fear most, is that I'll never, ever, love anyone again as much as I loved you. I know Heaven is not a Place, and it's not on earth, and I can reach it without you perfectly well.
But I wish it was.
Lana del Rey - Videogames
Monday, December 23, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Nanika.
somethings off
Es gab einen Ruck, und plötzlich war schon immer alles ganz anders.Vielleicht hat die Welt aufgehört sich zu drehen? Oder vielleicht dreht sie sich jetzt in die andere Richtung?
Vielleicht bin ich es, die sich weitergedreht hat
mawaru mawaru fuusen no y-o-u ni
oder mein Blick. Ich klettere tief hinunter, und hebe meinen Blick zum halben Mond des Brunnendeckels.
Etwas ist da, und etwas ist weg. Etwas ist anders.
Verdreht. Verrückt. Verschoben.
Die Geschichte ergreift Besitz von mir. Indem ich beginne, sie zu erzählen, erzählt sie mich. Mein Schritt landet genau dort, wo er landen muss/soll/kann/darf worte waren ursprünglich zauber und auch die Welt befindet sich immer genau dort, wo mein Fuss auftrifft.
ano yo-
Und dennoch fällt mir jeder Satz erst ein, wenn der vorige meine Lippen verlassen hat. Wieder und wieder erzählen wir uns gegenseitig, und bewegen uns dennoch nie voneinenader
times up.
Es gab einen Ruck, und plötzlich war schon immer alles ganz anders.Vielleicht hat die Welt aufgehört sich zu drehen? Oder vielleicht dreht sie sich jetzt in die andere Richtung?
Vielleicht bin ich es, die sich weitergedreht hat
mawaru mawaru fuusen no y-o-u ni
oder mein Blick. Ich klettere tief hinunter, und hebe meinen Blick zum halben Mond des Brunnendeckels.
Etwas ist da, und etwas ist weg. Etwas ist anders.
Verdreht. Verrückt. Verschoben.
Die Geschichte ergreift Besitz von mir. Indem ich beginne, sie zu erzählen, erzählt sie mich. Mein Schritt landet genau dort, wo er landen muss/soll/kann/darf worte waren ursprünglich zauber und auch die Welt befindet sich immer genau dort, wo mein Fuss auftrifft.
ano yo-
Und dennoch fällt mir jeder Satz erst ein, wenn der vorige meine Lippen verlassen hat. Wieder und wieder erzählen wir uns gegenseitig, und bewegen uns dennoch nie voneinenader
times up.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Denkmäler und so.
Nein. Sag nichts. Sag Nichts.
Die Zufälle begannen sich wieder zu häufen. Ich verweigere mich schon seit langem der Tatsache, dass diese eigenartigen Verflechtungen etwas mit einer Fehlschaltung meinerseits zu tun haben. Ja, ich mag mich von dieser Realität lösen. Aber nur weil meine Realität sich woanders befindet, heisst das nicht, dass meine Geschichte nicht wahr ist. Sie findet nur nicht hier statt. Und wenn ich mir die leeren und stumpfen Gesichter ansehe
sagt den irren unter uns dass sie schon ganz recht haben
dann nenne ich mich gerne wahnsinnig.
Lass uns träumen. Dort begegnen wir uns auf eine Weise, die hier nicht möglich ist. Wir weben ein Netz, indem wir uns nach und nach, sanft, einwickeln, und mit einem Lachen, und mit einem Klang zerfällt es wieder zu Staub. Der um uns in der Luft hängen bleibt und dann allmählich zu Boden schwebt: Woher wir kommen. Wohin wir gehen.
Die Dinge fielen mir zu. Je weniger ich tat, desto mehr geschah. Alle Dinge fielen an ihren Platz - und alles was ich zu tun brauchte war ausatmen. Aber dann begann ich, mir das Märchen zu erzählen, das altbekannte Märchen: Du bist was du tust! An ihren Taten sollt ihr sie erkennen! Sei stark: sei wach-sam. Sei dies, sei das: Sei!
Und ich fing an, die Leere zu füllen. Mit Sinn, mit Ideen, hehren, mit Zielen und Plänen. Ich war erfüllt. Ich labte mich, ich träumte und hoffte und bangte. Aber wie die weichen Kissen in meinem Bett einst von der Ruhestätte zu unerklärlich furchterregenden Lufträubern wurden, so fing mein eigener Inhalt an mich zu erdrücken. Von innen her schwoll ich an, schwoll mein Bauch an, schwollen meine Brüste an, meine Lungen, meine Kehle, mein Gehirn, und gelangte doch nie
oder hätte ich den Weg nach Hause lieber nicht alleine finden sollen
nach aussen.
Wenn ich dich ansehe, weiss ich nicht, was ich sehe. Ob du dich einfach nur zu gut als Zerrbild meiner selbst eignest, um dich als Du zu sehen. Ich sah dich wachsen, ich wuchs an dir. Ich verlor dich und ich fand dich. Ich hatte dich nie, und deswegen wirst du immer mein bleiben.
Sei! Nein, Sei nicht, sei Nichts, sei nicht mein, schweig, schweig, sag kein Wort!
Und du lachst mich an, mit deinen Grübchen, eine unendliche Schwere in den Augen, die deine Lippen nie berührt. Aber dieses Jahr, wie jedes Jahr zuvor, wird alles anders. Dieses Jahr kommt alles zu spät und ich fange früher an. Ich ruhe,
dass das wasser in bewegung mit der zeit den stein besiegt
ich warte schon von Anfang an, und immer wieder, ich höre auf zu sei-n und
bin
auch diesmal: für all diejenigen, die Augen haben.
Die Zufälle begannen sich wieder zu häufen. Ich verweigere mich schon seit langem der Tatsache, dass diese eigenartigen Verflechtungen etwas mit einer Fehlschaltung meinerseits zu tun haben. Ja, ich mag mich von dieser Realität lösen. Aber nur weil meine Realität sich woanders befindet, heisst das nicht, dass meine Geschichte nicht wahr ist. Sie findet nur nicht hier statt. Und wenn ich mir die leeren und stumpfen Gesichter ansehe
sagt den irren unter uns dass sie schon ganz recht haben
dann nenne ich mich gerne wahnsinnig.
Lass uns träumen. Dort begegnen wir uns auf eine Weise, die hier nicht möglich ist. Wir weben ein Netz, indem wir uns nach und nach, sanft, einwickeln, und mit einem Lachen, und mit einem Klang zerfällt es wieder zu Staub. Der um uns in der Luft hängen bleibt und dann allmählich zu Boden schwebt: Woher wir kommen. Wohin wir gehen.
Die Dinge fielen mir zu. Je weniger ich tat, desto mehr geschah. Alle Dinge fielen an ihren Platz - und alles was ich zu tun brauchte war ausatmen. Aber dann begann ich, mir das Märchen zu erzählen, das altbekannte Märchen: Du bist was du tust! An ihren Taten sollt ihr sie erkennen! Sei stark: sei wach-sam. Sei dies, sei das: Sei!
Und ich fing an, die Leere zu füllen. Mit Sinn, mit Ideen, hehren, mit Zielen und Plänen. Ich war erfüllt. Ich labte mich, ich träumte und hoffte und bangte. Aber wie die weichen Kissen in meinem Bett einst von der Ruhestätte zu unerklärlich furchterregenden Lufträubern wurden, so fing mein eigener Inhalt an mich zu erdrücken. Von innen her schwoll ich an, schwoll mein Bauch an, schwollen meine Brüste an, meine Lungen, meine Kehle, mein Gehirn, und gelangte doch nie
oder hätte ich den Weg nach Hause lieber nicht alleine finden sollen
nach aussen.
Wenn ich dich ansehe, weiss ich nicht, was ich sehe. Ob du dich einfach nur zu gut als Zerrbild meiner selbst eignest, um dich als Du zu sehen. Ich sah dich wachsen, ich wuchs an dir. Ich verlor dich und ich fand dich. Ich hatte dich nie, und deswegen wirst du immer mein bleiben.
Sei! Nein, Sei nicht, sei Nichts, sei nicht mein, schweig, schweig, sag kein Wort!
Und du lachst mich an, mit deinen Grübchen, eine unendliche Schwere in den Augen, die deine Lippen nie berührt. Aber dieses Jahr, wie jedes Jahr zuvor, wird alles anders. Dieses Jahr kommt alles zu spät und ich fange früher an. Ich ruhe,
dass das wasser in bewegung mit der zeit den stein besiegt
ich warte schon von Anfang an, und immer wieder, ich höre auf zu sei-n und
bin
auch diesmal: für all diejenigen, die Augen haben.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Life Signs
A few days ago I had coffee with someone. I was telling about a friend (acquaintance? how is one supposed to know these days, with the internet and everything) who used to disappear from time to time, leaving "us" all to worry. It is a weird thing, watching someone's mental condition deteriorate, in the worst case, or simply changing, in a less drastic way, until one day, they just disappear.
He then told me, among many, many othe things, that he understood very well. That he, however distant the connection might have been, couldn't help but worry a little when someone you'd shared your thoughts with just... wasn't there anymore.
He then told me, that after a while he found out he had been doing exactly that all the time. Hiding, dissapearing, leaving everyone to wonder. And that made me think. A little.
I'm not quite well lately. I think most people that have known me can relate, days are getting shorter, semester has started again - it's not quite as fun as lazy summer weeks. I'm facing new challenges in a lot of different areas of my life, and though I'm quite convinced that I am more than able to face them head up, this makes me very nervous. It always feels like I'm dragging behind. It's never enough. Never enough, no matter how much I do. Still, there is only one way to escape, and since I really don't want to kill myself (besides, I have very successfully indoctrinated myself with belief in reincarnation, and am thus convinced that even killing myself just leads me exactly back to where I was trying to escape from), I might as well do that facing stuff.
So if someone asked me if i was fine, I wouldn't know what to say. On the outside, all seems quite well. One layer deeper, there is nothing but fear and self contempt and despair. Go even deeper, and you find the usual rock solid, unwavering certainty that everything is how it should be, and that it will all be well in the end. So, no, I'm not fine, but I'm getting by, and I thing after finishing these chances, even that fear-and-despair-layer will be easier to cope with.
He then told me, among many, many othe things, that he understood very well. That he, however distant the connection might have been, couldn't help but worry a little when someone you'd shared your thoughts with just... wasn't there anymore.
He then told me, that after a while he found out he had been doing exactly that all the time. Hiding, dissapearing, leaving everyone to wonder. And that made me think. A little.
I'm not quite well lately. I think most people that have known me can relate, days are getting shorter, semester has started again - it's not quite as fun as lazy summer weeks. I'm facing new challenges in a lot of different areas of my life, and though I'm quite convinced that I am more than able to face them head up, this makes me very nervous. It always feels like I'm dragging behind. It's never enough. Never enough, no matter how much I do. Still, there is only one way to escape, and since I really don't want to kill myself (besides, I have very successfully indoctrinated myself with belief in reincarnation, and am thus convinced that even killing myself just leads me exactly back to where I was trying to escape from), I might as well do that facing stuff.
So if someone asked me if i was fine, I wouldn't know what to say. On the outside, all seems quite well. One layer deeper, there is nothing but fear and self contempt and despair. Go even deeper, and you find the usual rock solid, unwavering certainty that everything is how it should be, and that it will all be well in the end. So, no, I'm not fine, but I'm getting by, and I thing after finishing these chances, even that fear-and-despair-layer will be easier to cope with.
Monday, September 9, 2013
I had a dream.
I remember telling you that dream, while we were walking, I saw your eyes grow large, the goosebumps on your skin, you suddenly shuddered. I had told you about her, didn't I? You couldn't understand properly if I hadn't told you about her. She. Mine. Mine and Mine only. From the beginning to the very bloody end. The cheering comfort she gave me while she lingered and then left. Why is it that the ones we hurt so badly that spend solace on us? While the ones that hurt us just drop us with our dead dreams.
In my dream, I saw her... again. She was small, tiny, her face beautifully carved (mine MINE). She came running on her tiny feet, held up her tiny hands and said: "I'm scared. There is something. I don't know what it is, but it's there! There is something!" I froze. "But he's gone!" I said. "The Doctor's gone! How can that be?"
I took her in my arms (oh, her bones were so delicate, she hardly weighed a thing) and hurriedly, we left.
Oh, and that's where my tongue, where my fingers refuse to give me the words I crave. I remember beauty, sad and proud, broken and mended, used and worn, full of memory and life slowly fading.
(My... head? starts to ache. I can feel the pulse. I can feel it.)
And then... gone. She was gone. No, I was gone. Because I remember, it was only when I got back and found her again that I noticed she had been gone. I ran through dark woods, I saw dead ghosts, I ran, I ran, I never got tired. Old cities, empty, except for the people there, and beauty, heartbreaking, mindbending, breathtaking beauty. Broken windows, open doors, Dust, Dust everywhere. We hurried - how had I become Us? - through that hall that lead to where I suddenly remembered her.
Quietly She was sitting there, playing, between majestic chairs, in front of the crackling fire, so small, so tiny, oblivious. Child! I spoke, are they still here, are they still here?
(Goose bumps, small tear in large eyes, a sudden shiver. It was a Dream, only a Dream. I am not alone no never alone never alone)
Dreamily, she turned around. "Why, yes, of course they are. Right there", she pointed, "But don't worry. They won't do anything to you. You see, the only reason we were so afraid was, that we didn't know who they were." I had frozen with her first words. I was unable to move, to think, to act. "Here you go", she said, her voice calm and steady as it always had been, "take this". And she gave me a small lamp. I made the effort to take the lamp, eyes avoiding the place she had pointed at, my hand trembling. "You need to look", she insisted, "what use is the light if you don't look?" And suddenly I felt so ashamed that she, she above all, could stay so peaceful while I was consumed by fear.
The light it gave off was a pale blue. I raised the lamp, following the line with my gaze. And there I saw him. A large candle, as big as a small child, old, ancient, patiently burning, and his two brothers, too. And I knew who they were. They needed no swords, no wings: I knew wh they were, red flame flickering in the pale blue light of the lamp She had given me.
I haven't woken up since. No, I haven't woken up. But it all makes sense now.
I remember telling you that dream, while we were walking, I saw your eyes grow large, the goosebumps on your skin, you suddenly shuddered. I had told you about her, didn't I? You couldn't understand properly if I hadn't told you about her. She. Mine. Mine and Mine only. From the beginning to the very bloody end. The cheering comfort she gave me while she lingered and then left. Why is it that the ones we hurt so badly that spend solace on us? While the ones that hurt us just drop us with our dead dreams.
In my dream, I saw her... again. She was small, tiny, her face beautifully carved (mine MINE). She came running on her tiny feet, held up her tiny hands and said: "I'm scared. There is something. I don't know what it is, but it's there! There is something!" I froze. "But he's gone!" I said. "The Doctor's gone! How can that be?"
I took her in my arms (oh, her bones were so delicate, she hardly weighed a thing) and hurriedly, we left.
Oh, and that's where my tongue, where my fingers refuse to give me the words I crave. I remember beauty, sad and proud, broken and mended, used and worn, full of memory and life slowly fading.
(My... head? starts to ache. I can feel the pulse. I can feel it.)
And then... gone. She was gone. No, I was gone. Because I remember, it was only when I got back and found her again that I noticed she had been gone. I ran through dark woods, I saw dead ghosts, I ran, I ran, I never got tired. Old cities, empty, except for the people there, and beauty, heartbreaking, mindbending, breathtaking beauty. Broken windows, open doors, Dust, Dust everywhere. We hurried - how had I become Us? - through that hall that lead to where I suddenly remembered her.
Quietly She was sitting there, playing, between majestic chairs, in front of the crackling fire, so small, so tiny, oblivious. Child! I spoke, are they still here, are they still here?
(Goose bumps, small tear in large eyes, a sudden shiver. It was a Dream, only a Dream. I am not alone no never alone never alone)
Dreamily, she turned around. "Why, yes, of course they are. Right there", she pointed, "But don't worry. They won't do anything to you. You see, the only reason we were so afraid was, that we didn't know who they were." I had frozen with her first words. I was unable to move, to think, to act. "Here you go", she said, her voice calm and steady as it always had been, "take this". And she gave me a small lamp. I made the effort to take the lamp, eyes avoiding the place she had pointed at, my hand trembling. "You need to look", she insisted, "what use is the light if you don't look?" And suddenly I felt so ashamed that she, she above all, could stay so peaceful while I was consumed by fear.
The light it gave off was a pale blue. I raised the lamp, following the line with my gaze. And there I saw him. A large candle, as big as a small child, old, ancient, patiently burning, and his two brothers, too. And I knew who they were. They needed no swords, no wings: I knew wh they were, red flame flickering in the pale blue light of the lamp She had given me.
I haven't woken up since. No, I haven't woken up. But it all makes sense now.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
What We Are
i am a singer
i believe i make
sound out of pain
melody flowing through your ears and
inside your brain
i cling
i am a painter
i believe i make
pictures out of colours and words
let them melt into each other
and tear
the music
apart.
i am a healer
i believe i give
you a bag to carry your pain
i share your load i
make you smile and sigh and sleep
i am:
a believer,
i believe.
i believe i make
sound out of pain
melody flowing through your ears and
inside your brain
i cling
i am a painter
i believe i make
pictures out of colours and words
let them melt into each other
and tear
the music
apart.
i am a healer
i believe i give
you a bag to carry your pain
i share your load i
make you smile and sigh and sleep
i am:
a believer,
i believe.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
M.
i don't remember much of that night. eyes and lashes, a scent of leather and honey, and an asymmetry so well balanced it could even out all the bumps and bruises, the scratches and scars...
but i remember: that night my head ached for the first time. oh, it wasn't my first headache. i've had headaches before: because i'd drink too much, because i didn't drink enough, because i hadn't eaten enough. never because i had eaten too much. but that headache
it hasn't gone since.
it's still there, somewhere behind my eyes, right there, in the middle of everything. i can't feel it, but it's still there. and the dumb absence of the real thing tortures me more than the sharp pang that would
at least make me cry.
but i remember: that night my head ached for the first time. oh, it wasn't my first headache. i've had headaches before: because i'd drink too much, because i didn't drink enough, because i hadn't eaten enough. never because i had eaten too much. but that headache
it hasn't gone since.
it's still there, somewhere behind my eyes, right there, in the middle of everything. i can't feel it, but it's still there. and the dumb absence of the real thing tortures me more than the sharp pang that would
at least make me cry.
Monday, August 19, 2013
What We Are Made Of.
This man is made of letters. A lot of letters, that goes without saying, an astronomic number of letters - but letters only.
Here is his girlfriend. She is, as you can see, made of flesh and bones. And what flesh, what bones! It's a delight to see it - and to touch it!
Now they are going to the fair together. On the swingboat and on the Ferris wheel, everything is still alright. But then they get to a shooting stand; a somewhat strange shooting stand, admittedly.
Test yourself! is written in large letters on it. And below, the rules:
The man, his arm around his girlfriends hips, attentively studies the inscription. He wants to go on quickly, but she urges him to make use of this profitable offer. She wants to see what he's able to do.
- Every shot scores.
- You get a free shot for each score.
- The first shot is free.
But the man doesn't want to.
"Why not, darling? There's nothing to it, is there?"
The thing is, that you have to shoot at a quite particular aim, namely on yourself, that is to say, at your own reflection in a metal mirror. And the Man of Letters does not feel real enough to differ between himself and his reflection in such a bold manner.
"Either you shoot", the girlfriend says angrily, "or I'll leave you!"
He shakes his head. And there she goes with another man, a butcher, who knows all about flesh and bones.
The man is left behind and gazes after her. As she disappears from his vision, he falls apart into a little heap of tiny minuscules and majuscules that gets stamped into the ground by the crowd.
In fact, he might as well have shot, might he not.
-Michael Ende, The mirror in the Mirror. A labyrinth
Roots and leaves.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Empires rise
and empires fall.
S isch äbe n en Mönsch uf Ärde...
I just moved into my new flat. Room. Whatever you want to call it. This feels so weird. Kinda sad, despite of everything. So very lonely, though I shouldn't be. Reminds me of the time in Japan, sitting in my room - no actually missing anyone or anything in particular - but missing, oh, something was missing. That yearning I always feared I had lost: here it is again. Tearing my heart apart.
And I love it.
S isch äbe n en Mönsch uf Ärde...
I just moved into my new flat. Room. Whatever you want to call it. This feels so weird. Kinda sad, despite of everything. So very lonely, though I shouldn't be. Reminds me of the time in Japan, sitting in my room - no actually missing anyone or anything in particular - but missing, oh, something was missing. That yearning I always feared I had lost: here it is again. Tearing my heart apart.
And I love it.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Instant Zen
1) Zustände erreichen
2) Zustände mit Reizen koppeln
3) Reize mit Zuständen koppeln
4) Zustände erreichen
2) Zustände mit Reizen koppeln
3) Reize mit Zuständen koppeln
4) Zustände erreichen
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Neutrals
Es geht neutral zu und her: Aber nur im Bezug auf Kleidung.
So geht das! Wenn man Blaue Haare hat, sieht die Welt ganz anders aus, ich schwör, Mann! :-D
So geht das! Wenn man Blaue Haare hat, sieht die Welt ganz anders aus, ich schwör, Mann! :-D
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Glashäuser, kryptische
Bloss weil es durchsichtig ist, ist es noch lange nicht klar. Oder umgekehrt?
Eines jedoch kann ich sagen - solltest Du aus meinem Leben verschwinden, wär das Farbenspiel um eine bedeutende Nuance ärmer. Deswegen ist mir nicht so wichtig, wie, oder wo, oder gar wann. Zumindest nicht solange ich noch quer verstreut herumexistiere und noch nicht halbwegs gebündelt bin. Aber dass, das ist mir wichtig.
Ich liebe Grün. Wenn auch nicht unbedingt das quietschig-prototypische des Feuerzeugs, mehr das schon leicht ins Gelb spielende Grün von Gras, welches eine Weile dürsten musste. Oder ein bisschen wie Oliven in der Gluthitze der südlichen Sommer. Aber Du weisst ja: nicht nur die einzelnen Farben sind unendlich wichtig, sondern wie sie zusammenspielen, wo sie sich befinden. Die Details, die Nuancen, die Kontraste in der Vielfalt. Die richtige Balance. Kein Mensch ist weiss, zumindest nicht alleine, und in meiner momentanen Obsession fürchte ich jedes Ungleichgewicht im Regenbogen...
Im Moment liegt ein rotes Feuerzeug auf meinem Nachttisch. Ich brauche es, um die Kerzchen anzuzünden, wenn ich "meditieren" will, oder wenn ich ein kleines Licht zum runterfahren und einschlafen brauche. Liegt gut dort, passt auch gut zu meinen Büchern. Grün passt da im Moment nicht hin. Und ich weiss schon länger, mit Grün wirds irgendwie nicht so einfach. Ich kann mir nicht einfach Grün in mein Leben holen, indem ich ein Feuerzeug aufs Nachttischchen lege, mir ein Buch kaufe oder eine Postkarte an die Wand hänge. Irgendwann muss es ans Eingemachte gehen, in die Introspektive, in neue Welten - und das macht mir schon ein wenig Angst. Aber es ist ja im Moment, so wie es ist, eigentlich schon ziemlich ausgewogen. Und spätestens wenn ich (mich?) ausziehe, wird sowieso alles umgekrempelt. Basel, halt, ich brauche meine Wurzeln... Und vielleicht ein wenig Rot.
Oh - und ich bin nachtragend: Göttinen verschmäht man nicht.
Eines jedoch kann ich sagen - solltest Du aus meinem Leben verschwinden, wär das Farbenspiel um eine bedeutende Nuance ärmer. Deswegen ist mir nicht so wichtig, wie, oder wo, oder gar wann. Zumindest nicht solange ich noch quer verstreut herumexistiere und noch nicht halbwegs gebündelt bin. Aber dass, das ist mir wichtig.
Ich liebe Grün. Wenn auch nicht unbedingt das quietschig-prototypische des Feuerzeugs, mehr das schon leicht ins Gelb spielende Grün von Gras, welches eine Weile dürsten musste. Oder ein bisschen wie Oliven in der Gluthitze der südlichen Sommer. Aber Du weisst ja: nicht nur die einzelnen Farben sind unendlich wichtig, sondern wie sie zusammenspielen, wo sie sich befinden. Die Details, die Nuancen, die Kontraste in der Vielfalt. Die richtige Balance. Kein Mensch ist weiss, zumindest nicht alleine, und in meiner momentanen Obsession fürchte ich jedes Ungleichgewicht im Regenbogen...
Im Moment liegt ein rotes Feuerzeug auf meinem Nachttisch. Ich brauche es, um die Kerzchen anzuzünden, wenn ich "meditieren" will, oder wenn ich ein kleines Licht zum runterfahren und einschlafen brauche. Liegt gut dort, passt auch gut zu meinen Büchern. Grün passt da im Moment nicht hin. Und ich weiss schon länger, mit Grün wirds irgendwie nicht so einfach. Ich kann mir nicht einfach Grün in mein Leben holen, indem ich ein Feuerzeug aufs Nachttischchen lege, mir ein Buch kaufe oder eine Postkarte an die Wand hänge. Irgendwann muss es ans Eingemachte gehen, in die Introspektive, in neue Welten - und das macht mir schon ein wenig Angst. Aber es ist ja im Moment, so wie es ist, eigentlich schon ziemlich ausgewogen. Und spätestens wenn ich (mich?) ausziehe, wird sowieso alles umgekrempelt. Basel, halt, ich brauche meine Wurzeln... Und vielleicht ein wenig Rot.
Oh - und ich bin nachtragend: Göttinen verschmäht man nicht.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
That's how it usually looks up there.
Come! Come! I called you, and i caught you, and now here we are - and now?
We:we don't like it, we love, we fear, we use:it. We use, we are used to use it-us-we. You and me - is it different? It always is. It is.
No prices to pay this time: just choices to make. No cold, no warm, just empty freedom. I chose so many times - selfishly, but willingly - and I would not say I made the wrong choices, choices are and are not, not wrong or right... but still: not satisfied. I must have overlooked something. I must have overlooked something. I should be happy but I'm not.
Do we dance differently to-day?
Mirrors and projections - we might lose ourselves, but we still have each other. We can touch: each other. I can touch your face, and it's not mine, i feel it with my fingers and I know: It's not mine. What a great relief .
To make choices, and then live with it: to change our mind - not to regret. Changing. Changing. Changeling. I - you - we - do: not belong. not be. long. for there, for the mountain: we gladly chose to carry whatever load is given, just to climb, just to try, never quite getting ther, but not carrying is not an option.
Raised to be artists: too obsessed with all the dusty mirror stuff not to look; take what should be ours, and we will never get there, but on our way, we see things...
Same same: but different. We want to give: not to be taken. Every whole human being wants to give, because we are so much more than we need, and everyone else seems to be so hungry. Predators everywhere, and they look so fucking human. And they fuck humans and they eat their souls, fucked up, the tasty, fucked up human souls.
Drawn in - pulled out. Drawn and strechted and pulled -
please don't: please do. please: don't please.
Take all your colours: There'll be white. Take all of mine: there'll be black. A different view -
Same same, but different. Yes, so many times we have met, and this time, you did not make me forget, you didn't make me DO you WERE you ARE, an empty THERE, waves and trees, sapphire green, humbly, crawling, history...
Yes. That's how it usually looks up there. Confusing, somewhat frightening, and probably quite vain from the outside...
This one, too, is for the dancer in red, the one and the other, and also a bit for the one with the eyes (graublaugrün? grünblaugrau? blaugraugrün?) I crave and fear - please forgive. I'll be there as soon as I can.
We:we don't like it, we love, we fear, we use:it. We use, we are used to use it-us-we. You and me - is it different? It always is. It is.
No prices to pay this time: just choices to make. No cold, no warm, just empty freedom. I chose so many times - selfishly, but willingly - and I would not say I made the wrong choices, choices are and are not, not wrong or right... but still: not satisfied. I must have overlooked something. I must have overlooked something. I should be happy but I'm not.
Do we dance differently to-day?
Mirrors and projections - we might lose ourselves, but we still have each other. We can touch: each other. I can touch your face, and it's not mine, i feel it with my fingers and I know: It's not mine. What a great relief .
To make choices, and then live with it: to change our mind - not to regret. Changing. Changing. Changeling. I - you - we - do: not belong. not be. long. for there, for the mountain: we gladly chose to carry whatever load is given, just to climb, just to try, never quite getting ther, but not carrying is not an option.
Raised to be artists: too obsessed with all the dusty mirror stuff not to look; take what should be ours, and we will never get there, but on our way, we see things...
Same same: but different. We want to give: not to be taken. Every whole human being wants to give, because we are so much more than we need, and everyone else seems to be so hungry. Predators everywhere, and they look so fucking human. And they fuck humans and they eat their souls, fucked up, the tasty, fucked up human souls.
Drawn in - pulled out. Drawn and strechted and pulled -
please don't: please do. please: don't please.
Take all your colours: There'll be white. Take all of mine: there'll be black. A different view -
Same same, but different. Yes, so many times we have met, and this time, you did not make me forget, you didn't make me DO you WERE you ARE, an empty THERE, waves and trees, sapphire green, humbly, crawling, history...
Yes. That's how it usually looks up there. Confusing, somewhat frightening, and probably quite vain from the outside...
This one, too, is for the dancer in red, the one and the other, and also a bit for the one with the eyes (graublaugrün? grünblaugrau? blaugraugrün?) I crave and fear - please forgive. I'll be there as soon as I can.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Navel
it's always heavy and
always tainted i
do accept and i do
welcome pain
as aspect of my
every lives:suffer
for myself and
others watch me
as i burn.
always tainted i
do accept and i do
welcome pain
as aspect of my
every lives:suffer
for myself and
others watch me
as i burn.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Weil immer noch Winter ist.
Seltsam ists -
es ist doch noch gar nicht so lange her, dass ich die kürzer werdenden Tage mit dieser Mischung aus melancholischem Genuss und tiefsitzender Angst betrachtete. Und nun ist der kürzeste Tag schon so lange her, und die Zeit scheint sich gar nicht so hingezogen zu haben, kein Vergleich zu früheren düsteren Wintern. Oder?
Vielleicht sollte ich dabei berücksichtigen, dass ich von diesen zwei letzten Monaten zwar nur wenige Tage tatsächlich in Verzweiflung verbracht habe, und diese lähmende Angst nur noch müde mit ihren schwarz gewordenen Zahnstummeln an meinen kleinen Zehen nagte -
in Retrospektive erscheinen mir die letzten Wochen, obwohl ich jeden Tag dachte: nein, heuer nicht, das wird mir nicht passieren, dennoch wie ein unförmiges Loch. So etwas wie Glück, Geborgenheit, und natürlich das Gefühl, doch zu dem nicht fassbaren "ICH" zurückgekehrt zu sein, von welchem es mich immer wieder wegzerrt: ja, immer wieder. Viel erlebt, in dieser Welt zu der ich selber nicht einmal Zugang habe, und doch einiges in der, die stumpfsinnige Menschen gerne als real bezeichnen. Und immer wieder derselbe Schmerz. Und immer wieder dieselbe Hoffnung.
Keine Abgründe dieses Mal. Nichts zerbrochenes, durchtrenntes, gestorbenes. Es ist noch alles da: noch nicht mal so gespannt, so belastet, so krank, dass es wirklich lästig wäre, aber in diesem Graubereich, der eben nicht zu den Nuancen gehört, sondern zum
Nichts.
Zu Hause. Mein Heim. Nomadin. Hotels im Herzen. Spielwiesen, akkurat aufgeteilt in Mein und Dein, der unwiderstehliche Sog der Passivität, die unendliche Tragik der sich kreuzenden Wege. Wissende Augen, und dieser Frieden, und diese Wärme - No Spoilers! Zu spät! Zu spät...
Ich will nach Hause, und ich finde den Weg nicht mehr.
es ist doch noch gar nicht so lange her, dass ich die kürzer werdenden Tage mit dieser Mischung aus melancholischem Genuss und tiefsitzender Angst betrachtete. Und nun ist der kürzeste Tag schon so lange her, und die Zeit scheint sich gar nicht so hingezogen zu haben, kein Vergleich zu früheren düsteren Wintern. Oder?
Vielleicht sollte ich dabei berücksichtigen, dass ich von diesen zwei letzten Monaten zwar nur wenige Tage tatsächlich in Verzweiflung verbracht habe, und diese lähmende Angst nur noch müde mit ihren schwarz gewordenen Zahnstummeln an meinen kleinen Zehen nagte -
in Retrospektive erscheinen mir die letzten Wochen, obwohl ich jeden Tag dachte: nein, heuer nicht, das wird mir nicht passieren, dennoch wie ein unförmiges Loch. So etwas wie Glück, Geborgenheit, und natürlich das Gefühl, doch zu dem nicht fassbaren "ICH" zurückgekehrt zu sein, von welchem es mich immer wieder wegzerrt: ja, immer wieder. Viel erlebt, in dieser Welt zu der ich selber nicht einmal Zugang habe, und doch einiges in der, die stumpfsinnige Menschen gerne als real bezeichnen. Und immer wieder derselbe Schmerz. Und immer wieder dieselbe Hoffnung.
Keine Abgründe dieses Mal. Nichts zerbrochenes, durchtrenntes, gestorbenes. Es ist noch alles da: noch nicht mal so gespannt, so belastet, so krank, dass es wirklich lästig wäre, aber in diesem Graubereich, der eben nicht zu den Nuancen gehört, sondern zum
Nichts.
Zu Hause. Mein Heim. Nomadin. Hotels im Herzen. Spielwiesen, akkurat aufgeteilt in Mein und Dein, der unwiderstehliche Sog der Passivität, die unendliche Tragik der sich kreuzenden Wege. Wissende Augen, und dieser Frieden, und diese Wärme - No Spoilers! Zu spät! Zu spät...
Ich will nach Hause, und ich finde den Weg nicht mehr.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
intellektueller Wildwestnomadenaggressionsschlumpf
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Auf dem Boden der Surrealität.
Der Übersichtlichkeit halber habe ich einen tumblr für meine Fotos eröffnet. Und zwar hier:
http://auf-dem-boden.tumblr.com/
Noch leer, aber bald wirds voller.
http://auf-dem-boden.tumblr.com/
Noch leer, aber bald wirds voller.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Mal wieder.
Zu sagen habe ich nicht viel. Aber damit es hier nicht ganz verstaubt, zeige ich halt wieder etwas.
Nur schade, dass es sich heutzutage irgendwie kaum mehr lohnt, gut auszusehen. Oder intelligent zu sein. Bringt ja doch nix.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Nimue and the Nostalgia towards Historical Origin
"In case of loss, please return to: the rightful owner. As a Reward:$My eternal Gratitude."
Okee. Ich gebs zu. Die Bücher liegen wirklich nur da, um Eindruck zu schinden. Bis auf die von Alan Watts. Da stehen drei Sätze pro Seite, und es hat Bildchen drin, das bekomme ich noch hin.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Myths&Maps&Moar
In
the beginning, there is Chaos. Always. Everywhere.
The
world “as it is” - presuming for the sake of the argument that
there indeed is something like that - presents itself to the human
being as an big mess of unrelated tiny details. In order for human
beings to interact, especially, to interact conscously, we need to
establish some kind of order. We need to distinguish things, we need
to group things, and we need some kind of connection between these
things. And in order to be able to do so, first, we need to decide what is relevant.
If
we adopt Chiara Botticis notion of myth as a narrative that
answers a need for significance, as developed in her book “A
philosophy of political myth”, creation myths can be understood as
a depiction of this first attempt of defining a crucial, basic order.
It is not to be regarded as the account of some kind of real event,
but as some kind of map that helps the ones that consider it a myth
to orient themselves in this world, to make sense of their actions:
past, present, future; uniting and separating human beings, forming
and separating communities.
I
will not go into a detailed analysis or interpretetion of creation
myths, though I think it might be very interesting to look at the
similarities and differences in detail. I will even refrain from
referring to concrete examples. Instead, I will focus on what I
consider to be the first step in creating an order, and sketch some
general thoughts on the implications and the consequences.
As
I said: In the beginning, there is chaos. Then, for what reason ever,
the first division is made: above and below, sky and earth. It is
only logical that at the same time that one comes to existence, at
the same time, its opposition comes into being, too. Because something
can only exist, if there is nothing, too. There are many ways in
which two things can form an opposition of some kind, but I think it
is safe to assume that in order to have an opposition we need to
define the dimension to which it applies. In this very simplified
notion of a creation myth we can observe several oppositions coming
into being at once: a spatial one (above-below), a temporal one
(first-then), the one between temporal and spatial, and the one
between chaos and order. One could thus argue, that the very basic
order that can established is thus the one relying on time and space,
and furthermore, that these notions are so closely intertwined that
the one can't be without the other.
Additionally,
there must some kind of reference point from which this division can
be made, that, itself, can only be created in opposition to some kind
of background. So somehow this twofold division does not really seem
complete without the other, without the third.
This
is of particular interest considering that a myth has to be a
narrative, because a narrative always has to have a temporal
dimension in order to be one. Even though it is meant to make sense
of circumstances that happen all simulataneously – if it wasn't
something that had it's impact in the here and now it wouldn't be
relevant – it puts them into a temporal order. And as such part of
it can be situated in the past, and part of it in the future, or from
another angle: it puts the circumstances of the here and now into the
context of what has happened before and what will subsequently happen
, giving our actions a reason and a consequence (even though the
narrative itself can limit itself to retell events solely in the
past).
I
do like to think that the spatial and temporal dimension came into
notion the very precise moment that this need for significance
awakened – some kind of first sign of consciousness of the human
mind. I also think that humankind noted very, very early that putting
together one and one – one of this, and one of that: different in
some aspects, yet basically the same – makes three. If we have
three, all sorts of things begin to happen. If we have three, we have
anything. We can start combining and then combine, what has been
combined, on so many levels, without even really having to resort to
any other kind of dimension, just out of this very first twofold
division and the subsequent combination. Patterns start to emerge,
and they begin to repeat themselves with an astonishing regularity,
to an astonishing diversity, like an egg that has been fertilized and
thus in no time starts to divide at a virtually explosive rate,
somehow in itself containing all the specific information it needs to
form their own particular shape, different for each species, but in
itself woundrously consistent, mirroring the whole process of
evolution in the womb of a female. The Miracle of life itself.
But
even though I think there are really nice pictures, I don't want to
dwell on this level of , but keep focusing on the structure – or
maybe logic? - of this process of establishing an order. The fact
that a simple system of establishing order can be applied to almost
anything, the inherent consistency of a systems carries great
persuasive power. If it explains everything, it must be true –
mustn't it? That is the danger, the trap – this is why consistency
should be regarded as inherently suspiocious, especially when this
power is transferred to individuals or groups.
We
tend to forget that the starting point, the very first dimension that
is considered important enough to positively dissiociate it from the
chaos, is by every means motivated, yet still arbitrary. It is a
system that has been shaped by creating relevance of some kind. As
soon as there is a shift in what we consider relevant, the system
itself becomes inapplicable. But because we need significance we
might be able to reject this or that system, but not really abandon
all of them completely. Every attempt to think outside the box is
nothing but a change in the shape of the box. But if relevance is
arbitrary, and each system has it's own combinatory system,
absolutely foolprof in itself – if, thus to speak, no system can
legitimally be abrogated, neither from the outside, nor from the
inside, rendering every map a mere piece of paper with some scribbles
on it – how can we even act, or think, even be conscious? What else
can we rely on?
On
a sidenote, I think the contradiction between the need for
significance, and the opposing wish to escape significance, is
something that has given rise to many religions, too – be it
because it is close to my very own map of relevance, I do find that
buddhism provides one or two very interesting thoughts on how to not
only escape significanse, but also how to overcome the contradiction
between the need for and the whish to escape it. Maybe the ability to
see without relevance, to see the chaos itself as it is is
enlightenment, and maybe it is indeed possible to achieve it through
one of the many practices proclaimed. In any case, it is noteworthy
that this seems to be a contradiction that has been dealt with in many
ways.
In
the more mundaine realm of our daily lives we have to change our
focus. We need to live and more importantly: to act in the society,
in the world we live in. We need to make decisions, and we need
relevance in order to be able to make them, because that defines what
we want to achieve and how we want to achieve it. And action is
always inter-action of some kind, and because we share a place and a
time with other humans, we need to have some common relevances, and
thus sharing a myth is an important factor in forming a community and
shaping the rules of coexistence. And here the theoretical approach
that stresses the equivalence and the arbitrarity of systems proves
itself practically fruitless, because in order to act, we need to
commit. Of course, we can commit to more than one system, dividing
our lives into spheres that prefer the one or the other. It could be
funny game: “Oh, for this purpose I think I'll commit to system X”,
if there wasn't so much a stake: all around the world there are
people suffering. I can't but see every individual action in the
context of our world wide community. Even knowing that I have no
right, no basis, no authority to elevate my own map of relevance to
the point that every one else adheres to it, I can't but wish for
that what I consider suffering to decrease in a way I consider good.
I need to put my own relevance first, neglecting the total
arbitrarity of it, because if escaping is not in it, I will at least
play my game as virtuously as I can, and at least in myself be the
change I want to see, shaping the world and myself accordingly.
In
order to be able to reshape we need a shape. Even though everything
is a process, we need to freeze it again and again in order to be
able to really grasp it. The moment we freeze it, it has already
become a distortion of what actually is, and we have to start
reworking it. This also corresponds to the fact that on the one hand,
our map of relevance has a great influence on our perception, and our
perception has on the other was round an influence on our relevance.
Again, we cannot ecape this cycle totally – we can try to stay open
and be ready to accept perceptions outside of our map of relevance,
but we cannot set aside our map of relevance. The moment a certain
systems is able to explain every detail of our world, every
perception, every action, every consequence, the moment it becomes
obsolete. But it is a necessary step to develop our system to the
point that it indeed is able to make sense of everything we perceive,
otherwise our perception stays limited, too. The real Art of it is to
find the proper rhythm of shaping and reshaping, of dwelling,
insisting, and of discarding – fuelling the ongoing process and
making it visible, tangible, changeable.
Not all maps of relevance take the form of a narrative, not all
narratives function as a means of structuring our world of perception
and action. The fact that it not only has a temporal, but also a
dramatic structure sets it apart from other similar notions, such as
ideology, for example. That is a point that should not be
forgotten when going into more detailed analysis on how myth exactly
is able to function as such, I think besides closure, the plot is an
important factor on why and how a myth gains it’s persuasive power,
enabling us to compare it to other devices of mapping the world.
Above all, I think it would be important to analyze similarities and
differences of myth and science – not only theoretical schemata of
science, but in how “scientific narratives” work for people that
are not directly involved in the academic world. What exactly sets
“believing in evolution theory” aside from “believing in
creationism”? Personally, I think that for some reason science has
gained that sort of persuasive power that makes it unnecessary to
really understand how it works. Scientific knowledge is
handled as truth by people that have no idea how that knowledge
actually is structured and how it came into existence, somehow
rendering it intrinsically contradictive. This is why I think that
the concept of myth is a very helpful one in order to gain insights
on how and why something is considered as true and how systems gain
their persuasive power.
Kotoshi mo, yoroshiku!
I think it must have been quite exactly two years ago - or was it three? too many dark winters blurring into each other....
I was very depressed, in a relationship I think of as abusive today, I had just lost my child - a child that was never supposed to be born anyway, true, but that made me hurt rather more than less - lonely, not because I didn't have friends, but because I couldn't leave the house to meet them, couldn't answer the door to let them in, couldn't pick up the phone to call them, didn't even dare to think of them, because it was so fucking hard to convince myself, again and again, that they were indeed my friends, that they did not despise me, that they would not hate me, because I was such a terrible person, and such a bad friend.
I saw a creepy monster when I looked into the mirror - and I didn't know If I had become completely crazy, or if this was just my true self revealing. I watched myself doing things, terrible things, and terrible things were done to me - and I didn't know the difference between to do and to be done: even when I lay still in my bed, hardly daring to breathe, fearing that the sound of my heart beating would wake "it", I was convinced that I was doing terrible things, that I was bad, that I was guilty. I was failing at uni, failing at my relationships, failing at home, I was a complete and utter failure.
I remember a wise man telling me, something like: "There is something you have to decide: Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be satified with your life? When my Father died, I wasn't happy. But I was satisfied with my life."
Time flies. Life changes. When I went to bed yesterday, my life didn't look as it had when I'd gotten up. Again: I failed. We failed. Dreams crushed, worlds crumbled.
But as for today, I can say: I'm not happy. But I'm satified with my life.
Happy New Year, Everyone!
My year was supposed to start next monday (who gives a crap about calendars anyway...), and there were a few things that I wanted to leave behind, others I wanted to take with me into my future. Didn't work out as planned: Lost what I wanted to keep, kept what I wanted to leave behind. And to be fair, pretty much everything stays exactly the same...
But I have plans. I have dreams. I have wishes. And believe my, be it this year, last year, next year: I will have kicked ass.
I was very depressed, in a relationship I think of as abusive today, I had just lost my child - a child that was never supposed to be born anyway, true, but that made me hurt rather more than less - lonely, not because I didn't have friends, but because I couldn't leave the house to meet them, couldn't answer the door to let them in, couldn't pick up the phone to call them, didn't even dare to think of them, because it was so fucking hard to convince myself, again and again, that they were indeed my friends, that they did not despise me, that they would not hate me, because I was such a terrible person, and such a bad friend.
I saw a creepy monster when I looked into the mirror - and I didn't know If I had become completely crazy, or if this was just my true self revealing. I watched myself doing things, terrible things, and terrible things were done to me - and I didn't know the difference between to do and to be done: even when I lay still in my bed, hardly daring to breathe, fearing that the sound of my heart beating would wake "it", I was convinced that I was doing terrible things, that I was bad, that I was guilty. I was failing at uni, failing at my relationships, failing at home, I was a complete and utter failure.
I remember a wise man telling me, something like: "There is something you have to decide: Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be satified with your life? When my Father died, I wasn't happy. But I was satisfied with my life."
Time flies. Life changes. When I went to bed yesterday, my life didn't look as it had when I'd gotten up. Again: I failed. We failed. Dreams crushed, worlds crumbled.
But as for today, I can say: I'm not happy. But I'm satified with my life.
Happy New Year, Everyone!
My year was supposed to start next monday (who gives a crap about calendars anyway...), and there were a few things that I wanted to leave behind, others I wanted to take with me into my future. Didn't work out as planned: Lost what I wanted to keep, kept what I wanted to leave behind. And to be fair, pretty much everything stays exactly the same...
But I have plans. I have dreams. I have wishes. And believe my, be it this year, last year, next year: I will have kicked ass.
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