Kotoshi mo, yoroshiku!

I think it must have been quite exactly two years ago - or was it three? too many dark winters blurring into each other....
I was very depressed, in a relationship I think of as abusive today, I had just lost my child - a child that was never supposed to be born anyway, true, but that made me hurt rather more than less - lonely, not because I didn't have friends, but because I couldn't leave the house to meet them, couldn't answer the door to let them in, couldn't pick up the phone to call them, didn't even dare to think of them, because it was so fucking hard  to convince myself, again and again, that they were indeed my friends, that they did not despise me, that they would not hate me, because I was such a terrible person, and such a bad friend.

I saw a creepy monster when I looked into the mirror - and I didn't know If I had become completely crazy, or if this was just my true self revealing. I watched myself doing things, terrible things, and terrible things were done to me - and I didn't know the difference between to do and to be done: even when I lay still in my bed, hardly daring to breathe, fearing that the sound of my heart beating would wake "it", I was convinced that I was doing terrible things, that I was bad, that I was guilty. I was failing at uni, failing at my relationships, failing at home, I was a complete and utter failure.

I remember a wise man telling me, something like: "There is something you have to decide: Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be satified with your life? When my Father died, I wasn't happy. But I was satisfied with my life."

Time flies. Life changes. When I went to bed yesterday, my life didn't look as it had when I'd gotten up. Again: I failed. We failed. Dreams crushed, worlds crumbled.

But as for today, I can say: I'm not happy. But I'm satified with my life.

Happy New Year, Everyone!





My year was supposed to start next monday (who gives a crap about calendars anyway...), and there were a few things that I wanted to leave behind, others I wanted to take with me into my future. Didn't work out as planned: Lost what I wanted to keep, kept what I wanted to leave behind. And to be fair, pretty much everything stays exactly the same...

But I have plans. I have dreams. I have wishes. And believe my, be it this year, last year, next year: I will have kicked ass.