Mirrors, Gawking.

This is for a special someone. For all I know it could be Old Chinese, because my words never seem to reach, they don't even seem to leave my tongue the way they should: what seems so clean and obvious in my mind gets dirty and confusing as soon as it becomes sound. Nonetheless: This is for a special someone. Someone who touched what maybe should have stayed untouched, and opened what maybe, maybe should have been kept shut up.

(It kind of messes up the flow but she's worth it: Listen to Sarah Jaffe. To all of here songs. Just do it. Do it right know: Go to Youtube, search for Sarah Jaffe and let her be the melody to my word.)

Those of us who have grown up with that void inside know how easily we get lost in someone else. We try to fill up the void with song and word, with deed and thought, with drink and food. Sometimes we try to vanish, so we can be what we feel. Sometimes we try to find solace in sharing our mourning, shouting out what we yearn for as far as our voice carries. We cry for the child lost, we cry for the mother we could never - be. But the most dangerous path is the belief that someone, anyone could - mend, complete, replenish. And the saddest thing is: we all try.

No, I didn't fall in love. No, it was my own, maybe, again, my very first, very own, very conscious decision. I didn't fall in love, I chose it, rose in it, yes, I did. But then the fall began, falling for, falling over, falling into, falling a-part. It is so easy for those of us who get lost in someone else, lost in mirrors, between mirrors.

Haven't mirrors always been the scariest thing in your bedroom? The scariest, yet most intriguing object: When you were trying to fall asleep, catching a glimpse of a reflections of something that could not be there
(weil nicht sein kann, was nicht sein darf), sending shivers down your spine.
Still, you could not avert your gaze, because for the mirror seeking mind even a grain of dust begins to sparkle. You could not avert your gaze: staring, staring, seeking, seeing, changing, staying. And there we fell: into the mirror, out of ourselves, into ourselves, and ultimately: in love. In someone who would never love us, because we never could.

It is so easy to get lost in someone else. We know that. We try clinging, we try letting go, we try our hardest, and that's when we get lost. We try to give, giving up, and that's when we lose. We watch ourselves slide, and that's when we have lost.

As above, so below.

So, this is for a special someone. I have lost track of who that was. The first time we met I was told
(not to stare into the sun?) never to look for anything lost, for that's when we don't find it.

But for us who crave the mirror it is impossible not to look.