Life Signs

A few days ago I had coffee with someone. I was telling about a friend (acquaintance? how is one supposed to know these days, with the internet and everything) who used to disappear from time to time, leaving "us" all to worry. It is a weird thing, watching someone's mental condition deteriorate, in the worst case, or simply changing, in a less drastic way, until one day, they just disappear.

He then told me, among many, many othe things, that he understood very well. That he, however distant the connection might have been, couldn't help but worry a little when someone you'd shared your thoughts with just... wasn't there anymore.


He then told me, that after a while he found out he had been doing exactly that all the time. Hiding, dissapearing, leaving everyone to wonder. And that made me think. A little.

I'm not quite well lately. I think most people that have known me can relate, days are getting shorter, semester has started again - it's not quite as fun as lazy summer weeks. I'm facing new challenges in a lot of different areas of my life, and though I'm quite convinced that I am more than able to face them head up, this makes me very nervous. It always feels like I'm dragging behind. It's never enough. Never enough, no matter how much I do. Still, there is only one way to escape, and since I really don't want to kill myself (besides, I have very successfully indoctrinated myself with belief in reincarnation, and am thus convinced that even killing myself just leads me exactly back to where I was trying to escape from), I might as well do that facing stuff.


So if someone asked me if i was fine, I wouldn't know what to say. On the outside, all seems quite well. One layer deeper, there is nothing but fear and self contempt and despair. Go even deeper, and you find the usual rock solid, unwavering certainty that everything is how it should be, and that it will all be well in the end. So, no, I'm not fine, but I'm getting by, and I thing after finishing these chances, even that fear-and-despair-layer will be easier to cope with.