Waldelfeenparty

Last weekend I went to a Psyparty in the woods, and I seized the opportunity to sport all my fancy clothes I never get to wear, because they usually feel very out of place. This Outfit does feel like me, but it also feels like me trying to be someone I'm not, me trying to disguise, me trying to fit in. Still, I quite like it, I love the colours, I love the patterns, I love the fact that it's too much of everything, and that I have to wear layer over layer in order not to be cold in the night.


Actually at the party I suddenly felt very silly. There ways this guy who managed to look incredibly handsome in jeans and a sweater - and he looked so - how to describe - he just fitted in. Perfectly. You could see he felt at ease, he was at home, in his element. That's something I never managed to do, something that I always kind of envied. I can't just wear anything and feel comfortable, even less when I go to a party. I managed to build myself a wardrobe that makes it easy for me to just grab something and not think much about it, but I built it with care, it's well organized and very elaborated. No, I can't just wear anything, I feel best when I put a lot of thought and emotion in it.

The feeling that I wasn't supposed to be there became overwhelming. I felt incredibly silly, shallow, vain, for feeling the urge to dress up like that for a party in the woods, and it almost killed me. It's probably hard to understand for someone who has never been through this, but I guess with a bit of fantasy you can relate: when a thought starts to haunt you, to pester you, to cut through your brain like a knife, against all reason, and you try and stand up against it, tell it: No! I will not let you get me down! No! I will not let you stupid thought destroy my castle. No! You Shall Not Pass!

Still, there is nothing you can do. The only thing left is: open all the doors, let the thoughts float your mind, and go into hiding. Hide in your body, hide inside your stomping feet, in your twitching limbs, in your twisting torso. And then the thoughs will go through you, leaving you unharmed.

It didn't work that well. My hiding skills are not very pronounced yet, since I always am being drawn back into my mind and try to fight the thoughts... So I was very busy, dancing, thinking, fighting, when he looked at me and said: "You look gorgeous. I adore your style, and I love your colours - you have very special colours. Everything is special about you. My, even your make up fits perfectly!"

I guess that's when I fell in love with him.